It's raining! Right now! Just out there, rain! It's the second day in a row and the third day in less than a week that this miracle stuff has fallen from the sky. My garden has been granted a stay of execution and my rain barrels are getting full. Glory of glories!
Aside from that little bit of awesome, it's been a tough week here on the ridge. You may (or may not) have noticed my absence from the ol' blogosphere over the last many days. I've been struggling with figuring some stuff out and haven't really had anything to say. In this post I mentioned my lack of structure and routine. Well, the more I've thought about it, the more it's messed with my head. I want, so badly, to be that person. The person who knows what she's going to be doing on Monday; the person who knows that such and such a day is the day I make bread for the week or sit down and mend the things that need mending or put up the things I've harvested from my garden. I want my weeks to flow like that.
Trouble is, I'm still learning to do all that stuff. My weeks can't really flow when I'm uncertain how long it will take me to mend that hole in my sheet or if my bread will rise. Do I need to get bread at the store? Do I need to buy frozen corn? I have no idea. And the thing that's getting me is the amount of time I spend learning to do these things. Is it worth spending hours and hours perfecting my bread or should I just spend a dollar and buy some? Is it worth countless hours spent learning to knit when I could just buy that scarf as a Christmas gift? And if my time is worth more than that, why don't I just go back to work? I mean, I spend a couple hours doing something that I could quite easily purchase.
And I know it's all part of the process of slowing down and learning the skills necessary to living the way we want to live. But trying to learn how to do all these things (and consistently failing) is really screwing up my mindset. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely DO NOT want to go back to selling my hours to someone else. I think I'm just having trouble prioritizing. How important is it that I learn to bake bread that doesn't fall? How important is it that I understand how to fix that hole in B's sock that his toe peeks through? Where on my list of shit I need to get done does learning a new knitting stitch fall?
And I know that if I had more structure to my day, there would be time for all those things. But as it stands, I have no idea where I'm going from minute to minute, so I don't know where to fit learning into the mix. So, if I'm just going to putz around and barely get through my house/garden/animal work and not learn the things I should learn, what's the point? I can do house/garden/animal work with a job and bring extra money home (which, in all honesty, is absolutely last resort. I'm just making a point.).
Add to that the general feeling of guilt that I have for staying home in the first place when B has to drive 50 miles one way every day to sell HIS hours to someone else, and it's all a rather nice quagmire. I know a lot of women stay home while their husband/partner/whatever go to work. But in almost all of those cases, those women have something we don't have. Children. They stay home to tend the chillun. They homeschool, they do playdates, they have a passel of kids that need their attention. B and I do not have that responsibility. So...again, it begs the question, what the hell am I doing not working? I'm not accomplishing any great feats of domesticity, that's for damn sure.
Sorry for the bummer post this morning. Maybe someone, somewhere out there has that one little tidbit of inspiration I need to get moving again.
Thanks for listening to me whine. Tomorrow, back to normal garden, chicken, canning kerfuffle.
Real quick, go check out Down to Earth blog. That's where all the new folks that showed up last week came from. The author, Rhonda, is an inspiring woman. I kinda want to be Rhonda when I grow up.